I'm Gonna Scream in a Minute
by KSFWolfe
Summary: Ulquiorra is tired of being the goody goody Espada! He's tired of making dinner and doing the laundry! and most of all, he's tired of Grimmjow calling him Emo! So Ulqui-chan decides to be BADASS...oh holy god help us...No pairings
1. Chapter 1

My first attempt at a crackfic...so be prepared for lameness :D

Things in [ ] is from me, not part of the story XP

Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo!

**Edit: Wow, over a hundred reviews! Love you guys!**

**Edit 2: After a lot of procrastinating, I finally got to it and went through the whole thing, and fixed it up. When I originally uploaded this I was new to the formatting and such, so hopefully now it's a little easier to read, and a bit less jumpy. But asides from that and some fixed spelling/grammer stuff, the fic is unchanged. So, without more ado, I give you...**

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"AH! HELP MEEEEEEE!" Nnoitra flew down the hall, Haribel close at his heels.

"That's the last time you steal my makeup, Nnoitra! Get back here!"

Screaming, the two Arrancars fled down the hallway, nearly running over a tall man who had just exited an annex room to the left. He had flattened himself against the wall just in time to avoid being squished, and now he peeled himself away with a little sigh.

"Ulquiorraaaaaa…"

The Arrancar looked up, dread in his eyes. He knew what was coming. "Yes, Aizen-sama?"

Aizen held up a pair of pink socks. "Why did you wash my _WHITE_ socks with Starrk's _RED_ t-shirt? Why?"

[*facepalm* Oh, God, sorry, Lord Aizen, but the author made me. D:]

"I'm sorry, Aizen-sama, but I forgot."

The leader of the Arrancars put the socks down. "Next time be more careful. And can you make burritos for dinner tonight? Thanks." He skipped away. Ulquiorra grumbled and headed towards the kitchen.

When he got there, however, it was already occupied. A blue haired Espada was eating Cheez-Its at the counter. Ulquiorra froze. The blue haired guy looked up, orange crumbs around his mouth. "Oh HAI ULQUIORRA!"

"Uh, Grimmjow?"

"Ya?" Grimmjow shoved more Cheez-Its into his mouth.

"Are you eating my Cheez-Its!"

"Um, well, sure!" Grimmjow looked down at the almost empty box. He held it out. "You want some?"

Ulquiorra shook his head speechlessly. "I have to cook dinner. Please leave."

Grimmjow left. He took the Cheez-Its with him.

Ulquiorra began making burritos. Because he always does what Aizen-sama asks. And plus, everyone likes burritos! Yes, yes they do!

Once the burritos were in the oven, the delicious smell of them drifted out of the kitchen. It was not long before Starrk wandered in. "Are you making…_burritos?_"

"Yes, Starrk, I am making burritos. Now get out of my kitchen."

Starrk attacked the oven. Ulquiorra attacked Starrk. Grimmjow, walking in to dispose of his empty Cheez-Its box, decided to attack Ulquiorra, for no particular reason.

"Nooo! Burritooooooosssss!" howled Starrk as he slid under the other two and lost contact with the oven door.

"GO AWAAAAAYYYY!" Shrieked Ulquiorra.

Grimmjow stood up and dusted himself up. "I'm hungry."

"If you would get your foot off my back I would be making dinner," came a muffled voice. Grimmjow looked down. "Oh, sorry Cuatro!" He graciously removed his foot from Ulquiorra back.

Ulquiorra stood and looked down at Starrk, who was weeping face down on the ground.

"Uh, Starrk?"

"What?" was the mournful reply.

"If you get out of the kitchen I can finish the burritos. And then you can eat them."

"How many did you make for each of us?"

"We can each have three. And you know Haribel will only have two so you can have hers."

"Okay then." Starrk got up and wiped his eyes. Then he left.

[Yes, Starrk is addicted to burritos.]

Ulquiorra glowered at Grimmjow. "Out."

"I'm not a fucking dog," grumbled Grimmjow, but he left.

The oven timer went off. Ulquiorra took the burritos out of the oven. There were 39 in all. It was a big oven.

Ulquiorra loaded 14 burritos neatly on a tray. He dragged it into the meeting room, where Aizen had decided they were going to eat tonight. Everyone was already assembled.

Starrk was sleeping. He woke up at the smell of the burritos, though. Ulquiorra began to hand out the burritos. Yammy basically inhaled his and took another from the tray. Nnoitra frowned at the burritos. "I don't like burritos, Ulquiorra," he complained. "You know that!"

"Too bad. Aizen-sama requested them."

"I. Love. Burritos." Starrk mumbled over a mouthful of refried beans.

"I don't want burritos. Make me some toast, Cuatro!"

Ulquiorra felt pissed off. "Make your own dinner, then, you fucking spoon!" He shrieked.

Everyone went quiet.

_Did Ulquiorra just say 'fuck'? What the fuck, that's _my_ word! _Mine!

_Ulquiorra must be pretty mad! Even though everyone has called Nnoitra a spoon at least twice before…_

_God dammit, these burritos are so good…must eat…burritos…_

_I wonder what's wrong with Ulquiorra? This would be interesting to investigate…I wonder if he'll let me cross section his brain?_

_Ulquiorra's a freak. Good god, everyone here is insane! _

…_I'M NOT A SPOON YOU EMO!_

_That's it. Ulqui's lost it! I wonder if I can steal Nnoitra's burrito from here…_

_Youngsters! They're all pests!_

_Wow, Szayel is so weird. Look at his hair! Ha! Freak!_

_Wow, I'm so bored…_

_Ulquiorra should make these burritos bigger. I'm already done with all three of mine! _

_Did Ulquiorra just call Nnoitra a spoon? Everyone always says that…please find a new insult. PLEASE._

Aizen studiously ignored everyone, concentrating only on his burrito.

Everyone stared at Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra sat down, and began to calmly eat his burrito.

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Hope you like! I'll upload Chapter Two soon...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two! Thank you for all the nice reviews, I'm glad you like! I have chapter three half done already, so that'll come fast...Enjoy!

Things in brackets [ ] are from me. not part of the story...XP

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"Szayel!"

The pink haired Espada turned around. "What?"

Haribel ran up to him. "Hang on. I want to ask you something."

"About Ulquiorra? At dinner?"

"Well, erm, yeah, but-"

"Everyone has already asked. No, I do not know what is wrong with him. He's insane. Or maybe just clinically depressed."

"Well, we all already knew the latter…" Haribel paused. "But do you know if he's been taking any drugs, or something?"

"I don't think so. You could ask Grimmjow…"

"Why would _Grimmjow_ know?"

"Because if Ulquiorra was on drugs, he would have stolen them from Grimmjow. That's why." And with that pearl of wisdom, Szayel swept off.

xxxxxxx

Ulquiorra strode down the hallway, feeling cheerful. The looks on all their faces! Ha! He came up to his door, and on a whim, kicked it open with a flourish. The Cuatro Espada then slammed the door closed and leapt onto his bed. He should try this more often!

There was a knocking on his door.

"What?" yelled Ulquiorra from his bed.

"Ulquiorra?" came Grimmjow's voice.

"No, it's Szayel. I'm stealing Ulquiorra's money." Ulquiorra yelled back, sarcastically.

Grimmjow blasted open the door with a Cero. "Are you mental? Have you finally lost your fucking mind?" he yelled at the pale Arrancar on the bed. Ulquiorra looked back at him calmly.

"Someone doesn't react well to humor!"

"You're insane!" Grimmjow howled. "I'm going to go ask Aizen if I can annihilate you because you're a danger to yourself and the rest of the fucking organization!"

Ulquiorra tilted his head to one side and looked at Grimmjow critically. "Why is your hair blue? I mean, your hair is blue, Szayel's is pink, and Haribel's is this weird yellow…what is it with you guys and hair color? Do you feel that blue hair makes you look tougher? But then what _is_ Szayel thinking?" he mused. "Do you think I should dye my hair? What color? Red?"

Grimmjow just stared at him.

"Or maybe green…that would go well with my eyes…yes! I like that. Green. What shade do you think best, Grimmjow?"

"YOU_ ARE_ MENTAL!"

"Perhaps!" Ulquiorra sang out, and laughed maniacally. Grimmjow hurriedly left the room. Ulquiorra stopped laughing, and then started again because of the look on Grimmjow's face.

xxxxxxx

Meanwhile, Gin was walking along that long, dark, dreaded passageway to Aizen's personal rooms. He inched along it, twisting his head left and right making sure nothing was going to jump out at him. Sometimes Nnoitra would do that, just for a laugh.

Finally, the giant door loomed above him. Gin took a deep breath, choked on some dust, and knocked.

The door creaked open. Aizen peered out. "Gin?"

Gin coughed and straightened. "Aizen-sama. You wanted to see me?"

Aizen opened the door. Gin went into the room. It was a plain room, mostly used for when Aizen wanted to chew out Espada, kill annoying Fraccions, eat gummy bears, etc.

Gin sat gingerly down on a chair.

Aizen looked at him. "Gin. I think you know what this is about."

Gin looked nervously at his leader. _Um…actually…_suddenly he knew. Knew, without a shadow of a doubt, _what the hell this was about!_

[I really, really want to say, the Hokey-Pokey, right here]

It was about that plate he had broken last week! He knew it was! Aizen was bound to notice; the plate had been the special one with little ducks flying around the edge. It had been Zommari's favorite plate, and he, Gin, had dropped it, and it had shattered.

Zommari must have somehow figured it out and told Aizen.

Good Lord, thought Gin, I don't want to die! He looked desperately at Aizen. "I'm sorry, Aizen-sama!" He howled. "I didn't mean to break the duck plate! I'll replace! I'll replace it double! I'll-"

Aizen was looking at him weird. "What plate? What are you talking about?"

Gin began to calm down. "Oh. I thought you asked me to come here because I broke the duck plate…which I now realize that you didn't know about and let's forget that I ever told you, 'kay?"

"YOU BROKE THE DUCKY PLATE!" thundered Aizen. "THAT'S MY FAVORITE PLATE!"

Gin cowered under his leader's rage. "I'm sorry!"

Aizen coughed slightly. "Ahem. Anyhow. I called you here because I think that there's something seriously wrong with my Cuatro Espada."

Gin nodded fervently. "Yes Sir."

"He's lost his mind, in other words."

"Yes! He needs to be shot before he can destroy our organization!"

Aizen looked at Gin sternly. "I don't think we need to go to such extremes. However, I think that the best thing for Ulquiorra would be to take a vacation."

Gin was horrified. Vacation was something that everyone wanted! And now the annoying emo Ulquiorra was going to get a vacation because he called Nnoitra a spoon? What was this?

"So I'm going to let Ulquiorra have a break from doing all the cooking and cleaning around here. Instead, I'm going to hand over his duties to the rest of you." Aizen handed Gin a piece of paper. "Here's the list of what everyone needs to do."

Gin took the list. _If it says the Grimmjow has to cook, _He decided, _I'm going to scream. _

CHORES:

CLEANING WINDOWS: YAMMY AND ZOMMARI

DUSTING/SWEEPING HALLWAYS: STARRK AND SZAYEL

LAUNDRY: HARIBEL AND NNOITRA

DISHES: AARONIERO AND BARRAGAN

COOKING: GRIMMJOW

Gin looked over the list, and screamed.

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I would have screamed, too...XD

hope you guys enjoy!


	3. Chapter 3

Here it is...thank you thank you thank you for all the great reviews! :D

Disclaimer...I don't own Bleach or any of it's characters...*sobs*

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"…And cooking duties go to…_Grimmjow._" Gin read, tentatively. As he expected, all hell broke loose as soon as he finished.

"Like Hell I'm gonna be doing _laundry, _much less with Mr. Rapist over there!" screeched Haribel.

"Dishes? I'm an old man!" hollered Barragan, elbowing Zommari out of the way so he could yell into Gin's face directly. "I shouldn't have to do any work!"

"Hallways aren't so bad," mused Szayel to himself. "Though it _will _cut into my time in the lab…oh well…"

Suddenly, everyone's protests were drowned out by

"WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO COOK FUCKING DINNER! AS FAR AS I'M CONCERED, YOU CAN ALL GO FUCK YOURSELVES! MAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING DINNER!"

Everything went silent, except for Starrk, snoring gently. Suddenly, Ulquiorra wandered in. "Hey Grimmjow, where do you keep your spray paint?"

"In the grey cardboard box under my bed. Go away."

"Thanks!~" Ulquiorra left.

"Hang on…"

"What did he want spray paint for?" asked Nnoitra, confused.

Everyone shrugged.

xxxxxxx

Ulquiorra dragged the box of spray paint to the roof of Las Noches, and then set it down near the edge. He sat down and rested for a minute; there had been a lot of stairs. Aizen needed to install an elevator…

The pale Espada stood up, and then extracted some rappelling equipment (he stole it from REI a while ago. Don't ask.) from the box.

After securing it to the roof he pulled on a harness, attached the rope and hooks and safety whatnots, and then suspended the box of spray paint on its own line.

Ulquiorra and the box lightly began rappelling down the side of Las Noches.

Because, after all, when you first look at Las Noches, the first thing that comes to mind is, _Damn, that's one big white washing job!_

Yes, that's right. The outer walls of the whole thing are like one giant, empty canvas. Something that an artist like Ulquiorra cannot resist!

Ulquiorra spent three hours 'decorating' the outside front wall of the building. He used up all of Grimmjow's spray paint.

And when he was done, he climbed back up to the roof, and quietly went back inside. He threw away the empty cans, and replaced the box. Then he went back in his room to await results.

xxxxxxx

It might have been Szayel who noticed it first.

He was outside, looking at the little Hollows wandering about. Then he looked up.

"Hoe_SHIT!_" Szayel scurried inside. "AIZEN! AIZEEEENN!"

Aizen was walking down the hallway past Starrk, who was sleeping, but supposed to be sweeping. Aizen hummed cheerily. His Espadas seemed to be adapting quite well to their new jobs! He hadn't seen Szayel, though…

Suddenly, A pink haired blur flew down the hallway screaming, "AIZEN!" and nearly killed him.

"Szayel! What are you doing? You should be cleaning like Starrk…isn't…" Aizen noticed that Starrk was sleeping, his head on his dusting rag. "Anyways…"

"Aizen-sama! Someone has defaced the front of Las Noches!"

"Huh?"

Szayel took a deep breath. "_ULQUIORRA SPRAY PAINTED HIS NAME AND RUDE THINGS ALL OVER THE BUILDING! NOW EVERY HOLLOW FOR MILES HAS BEEN TOLD 'SOUL REAPERS: WELCOME TO OUR BIG WHITE BUILDING' AND 'HIPPIES USE SIDE ENTRANCE' AMONG OTHER THINGS I WILL NOT REPEAT!" _

Aizen took a minute to allow this long statement to make any sense at all. Suddenly it hit him.

"_HIPPIES USE SIDE ENTRANCE? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!"_

Aizen displayed a colorful language that would have impressed even Grimmjow, had he heard his leader.

A little ways down the hall, Starrk turned over and wrapping the dust cloth over his ears.

A little ways further, Ulquiorra stifled a laugh and quietly locked the door to his room.

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It was a short one...very...short...

chapter four coming soon!

And yes...Grimmjow will be cooking in the next one...O.o


	4. Chapter 4

Hi everyone! Got the next installment up! and yes, we have Grimmjow cooking in this one...O.o

Stuff in the [ ] is from me, not part of the story.

I DON'T OWN BLEACH...because if I did, the Arrancars would act more like they do in this...XD

this chapter's a bit longer than the last one (thank god, chapter three was like, two paragraphs :P)

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Ulquiorra was flicking through various stupid YouTube videos when Grimmjow burst into his room. "Hey, Emo!"

Ulquiorra glared. "I'm not an emo, you idiot!"

Grimmjow sneezed. "Your room is really dusty," he commented. Ulquiorra shrugged.

"What do you want?"

"You used up all my spray paint."

"Yeah, so? I put it to good use!"

Grimmjow laughed evilly. "So I heard. Aizen's apparently having a mental breakdown. Why the hell did you write 'Wonderweiss Sucks' up there? Do you have a grudge?"

"I do not."

"But anyway. You have to buy me more, now! I was saving that paint!"

"For what? To redo your hair?"

"Check out Mr. Sarcasm, here! But no, I was going to repaint my room, actually. But now you need to go get me more paint. Just thought I'd let cha know!" Grimmjow waved cheerily goodbye and left.

Ulquiorra flipped back and hummed.

Suddenly, he jumped back up. His own remark had reminded him of something he had said to Grimmjow the other day…about hair color…

xxxxxxx

Grimmjow strode happily away from Ulquiorra's room. The prank the Cuatro Espada had pulled had made him feel good about life in general. Especially the news that Aizen was finding removing the graffiti difficult. Grimmjow was glad he had bought the 'Everlasting' type of paint.

Suddenly, he remembered.

_Crap!_

He had to cook…dinner…Grimmjow felt rather sick. He headed towards the kitchen. _This is weird. Seriously, what the fuck was Aizen thinking when he assigned _me_ to do the cooking? This is Ulquiorra's domain…I shouldn't be here…_

The refrigerator loomed at him. Grimmjow stuck out a hand. He closed his eyes tightly. He grasped the handle and yanked.

The fridge opened with a terrible groan. It seemed to say, _what are you doing here? Where's Ulquiorra? I am going to eat you, Grimmjow Jeagerjaques! _

Grimmjow whimpered and cracked open his eyes slightly. He tensed, and then, lightning fast, snatched the milk. Then he slammed the door and quickly ran to the other side of the kitchen. He leaned against the counter, and breathed out. He would make everyone cereal for dinner…yeah, that's okay. Cereal he could make.

Wait a minute.

If he could only make cereal…Grimmjow thought of all the delicious meals that Ulquiorra always made for the Espada. All the recipes he used.

If Ulquiorra could make all that food, and he, Grimmjow, could only make cereal…did that make Ulquiorra better than him?

Good lord, it did!

Grimmjow gritted his teeth. He would show them…he was just as good as Ulquiorra! Who was he, Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, afraid of a fridge?

Grimmjow went over to the cabinet where he knew Ulquiorra kept his recipe books. He flung the doors open ceremoniously. A row of thick, dog-eared books glared solemnly at him. But Grimmjow was not daunted, oh no!

He grabbed one. It was entitled _'Cuisine From Around the World'_. Grimmjow groaned. That went straight over his head already! He flipped to a random page. The words _Easy Pork Pie_ jumped out at him. He grasped at the first one. Easy? That was good, right?

Grimmjow scanned the page, and began to gather the ingredients necessary from around Ulquiorra's well-stocked kitchen.

xxxxxxx

A half hour later, the blue haired Espada found himself helplessly entangled in a lump of dough that seemed to be growing slowly.

xxxxxxx

Another fifteen minutes, and the dough had been crushed into a pan by the Espada, and then filled with chopped up bits of pork. Chopping was one of Grimmjow's skills so it had been quite easy to do. Fighting the dough had been marginally harder, but he was Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, Sexta Espada and no dough could beat _him!_

xxxxxxx

In ten minutes, something had gone wrong, and the dough began to puff up until it was about five times larger than it should be. Grimmjow eyed it uneasily. Had he put in too much yeast? It appeared so.

xxxxxxx

Grimmjow opened the oven and poked the mass of brown dough. It seemed done, but he knew that he could never try to pass this off as a pork pie. Maybe he could disguise it as a loaf of bread…he extracted the baked good with difficulty from the oven. He put it on the biggest plate he could find…but, no, that was no good. Whenever Ulquiorra served dinner, it looked nice, not like a giant thing on a plate. So he took a knife and hacked the creation into thirteen pieces roughly the same size and shape, then put them in a sort of circle on the platter.

What else?

_Oh, right. Set the table._

Grimmjow put thirteen plates, the platter of…bread, and thirteen forks (twelve forks, actually, and one knife; Yammy liked to stab his food with a knife, not a fork. Sometimes that made Grimmjow feel a little uneasy for some reason or another, but he generally ignored Yammy anyway, so it was all alright.)on a big cart thingy that Ulquiorra used to serve dinner. He began to drag the cart along the hallway to the meeting room where they ate dinner. On his way, he noticed Starrk sleeping in a corner, his head on a dust rag, and Szayel crouching over him, trying to poke him with a needle and a clear bag of something green. Grimmjow hurried away from this fairly disturbing spectacle, nearly tripped over a neglected broom, and finally got away. As he passed the laundry room, he heard Haribel shrieking, "All the white stuff goes in _this_ washing machine, you dolt! Not _that_ washing machine!" and Nnoitra whining, "But Haribel, _everything_ is white. _Everything._"

Grimmjow winced as he heard a slap and "Are you a complete moron? Or just color blind?" and Nnoitra yelp. Maybe cooking wasn't such a bad job after all…

He pushed the cart into the meeting room. Then he began to set the table…a plate, a fork, for everyone…knife for Yammy…ha! That would show them! He was just as good as Ulquiorra! Bwahahaha!ahemcoughcough.

Grimmjow inspected his handiwork, and pleased, he rang the giant bell hanging on the wall.

[I've _always_ wanted to ring a huge bell summoning people to dinner! It would be so much fun!]

Anyway, there was a lot of crashing noises, a few screams; the washing machines suddenly started making strange, grinding noises, and Starrk could be heard shrieking unrepeatable things at Szayel. But eventually, everyone got to the table in (relatively) good shape.

Grimmjow sat nervously in his seat. He fidgeted. Ulquiorra sauntered in and slouched in his seat. Aizen came in last. He beamed around at them. "As I'm sure you are all aware, Grimmjow made dinner for us tonight.

Oh yeah, everyone was aware alright.

Aizen patted Grimmjow on the head proudly. "My little Espadas," he said, tearing up, "you're all getting so big! Soon you'll be all grown up!"

Everyone looked at each other. Everyone was freaked out.

"I'm so proud of you all!" Aizen sniffed. Then he straightened. "Anyway, let's eat!"

Everyone nervously took a piece of the…bread.

Szayel poked his, tentatively. "I wonder if I could take this back for lab study," he murmured.

Ulquiorra grabbed his and took a bite. He chewed it meditatively. "It's edible!" he announced through a mouthful of the…bread. "Needs a bit o' salt, though."

Everyone watched him to see if he would fall over dead. He didn't. Starrk took a bite of his. "Ya, it's okay."

Yammy stabbed the…bread with his knife and swallowed it whole.

But then again, Yammy swallows everything whole, even things that were not originally intended to be food.

Gin was still looking suspiciously at the lump on his plate. He finally bit into it. "Is there…pork…in this?"

"Yeah. Why?" Grimmjow growled.

"It's a tad underdone, in my opinion."

"JUST SHADDAP AND EAT!" yelled Grimmjow.

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hope you liked! So Grimmjow didn't blow up Ulquiorra's kitchen and the rest of Las Noches (yea i considered that XD)

Chapter 5 might be a little longer in coming; I'm a going on vacation in two days, so I'm not gonna have a lot of time...

thanks for all the awesome reviews on previous chapters! you guys are so nice! ^^


	5. Chapter 5

Ha! I said I wasn't going to get chapter five done before I left for vacation, BUT I LIED! BWAHAHAHA!

Yeah...and we posponed leaving a few days due to the car breaking down. anyways, that good news for you guys, right?

I hope so...oh, and, I don't own Bleach. Or any of the characters. BUT I WISHED I OWNED ULQUI-CHAN SO I COULD PUT HIM IN MY MOM'S OLD PROM DRESS.

Ulquiorra: Um...what?

Audience: JUST GET ON WITH IT

* * *

"It actually wasn't that bad, you know," said Ulquiorra thoughtfully, as the Espada left the table. "You should take over all my cooking all the time!"

"NO."

xxxxxxx

"So…how do you load this thing?"

Barragan glowered at Aaroniero. "How should I know?" he grumbled. "You do it."

Aaroniero began delicately loading dishes into the dishwasher. Then he neatly put the forks and one knife into the slots for silverware.

He closed the door. "Come on, Barragan, do something! I don't know how to start this thing!"

"Shut up!" shrieked Barragan. "I'm of a higher rank than you, fool! Do the dishes!"

Aaroniero muttered something about 'pissy old man' but began fiddling with the buttons on the washer. He hit 'rinse' and then 'start'.

The washer began making weird noises. Aaroniero jumped back. If it explodes, he decided, it was all Barragan's fault.

The washer didn't explode. Instead, it began making a churning sound. Aaroniero decided that was a good thing and sat down to await results.

xxxxxxx

It was fairly dark out. (It's always fairly dark in Hueco Mundo) Ulquiorra crept through the hall and to the big room that held the garganta…he went through the portal…and appeared right where he wanted to.

Karakura Town.

It was midday. He strolled through the streets, feeling pleased with himself. Ulquiorra had remembered to wear human clothes, like jeans and a t-shirt, instead of his Arrancar uniform. Because that would have singled him out as a weirdo. Clever!

Of course, people are still staring at him because of his weird tear marks and eyes. But that's alright.

Ulquiorra found a pharmacy and went in. People stared at him weirdly. He ignored them.

He went over to the hair products. There were multiple shades of temporary green dye there, and he wondered which to choose. After some agonizing over a bright green of the highlighter variety and a dark, more army shade, he settled on the highlighter one. It stood out more. Ulquiorra bought the kit, and was about to leave when he remembered that Grimmjow was expecting him to restock his spray paint. So Ulquiorra headed to the paint shop of Karakura town.

It was a good paint shop. There were a lot of different colors of spray paint. Ulquiorra couldn't quite remember which ones Grimmjow had had before, so he got a sort of mix. After purchasing these items (Ulquiorra had stolen lots of money from Zommari before he left…because Zommari has lots of money. Right.) Ulquiorra left the shop. As he walked quickly down the streets, he hoped he wouldn't run into anyone he knew, like-

"AHHHHHH!"

Ulquiorra jumped. He spun around. Someone was pointing at him accusingly. He winced. He had known this would happen…just his luck…

"WHAT IN THE FUCKING NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY ARE YOU DOING HERE!"

Ulquiorra raised the box of hair dye, and the bag of spray paint. "Shopping."

This momentarily flummoxed the redhead, but he brushed it off.

Ulquiorra sighed. "Well, I have to get going, Kurosaki. See you 'round." With a cheery wave, Ulquiorra began to leave.

"Wait just a moment." Ichigo grabbed at the Espada's shoulder. He glared. "You're an Espada."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious."

If the Arrancars random appearance in Karakura Town had alarmed Ichigo, the terrible, carefree attitude terrified him.

Ulquiorra looked expectantly at him. "Anything else you'd like to point out? I really gotta go! If Aizen finds out I snuck down here…" he drew and finger across his throat solemnly and nodded. "I'll be Cero-ed for sure!"

"YOU'RE AN ESPADA, YOU IDIOT! AREN'T YOU TRYING TO BLOW UP OUR TOWN AND KILL ME?"

Ulquiorra thought about this.

"Um, yeah, but that's just a hobby!" Then he skipped off into the sky and left back for Hueco Mundo! Everything's A-OK!

xxxxxxx

Grimmjow woke up. There was a plastic bag of spray paint on his floor. He grinned evilly.

xxxxxxx

Ulquiorra was in his bathroom. He was working out how to use his hair dye kit. It was fun! He was happy! He had followed all the instructions on the box to the letter; he wanted this to work well. The label said that the hair dye would last up to a week. This was satisfactory; much as Ulquiorra like the idea of having green hair, he didn't want to be stuck with it _forever,_ because when you're an Arrancar, forever can mean a very long time.

After the process was done, Ulquiorra gently toweled off his hair. He turned to the mirror.

He grinned. His head now somewhat resembled a waterfall drawn by someone who was either color blind or had only a green highlighter at their disposal.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed. He had always wanted to laugh like that. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

There was a banging on the wall. "SHUTTUP!" It was Grimmjow next door. Ulquiorra's response was to bang back on the wall. And laugh again. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

[EXCESS EVIL LAUGHTER EXCESS EVIL LAUGHTER]

Ulquiorra decided to go parade his new look around the building. He left his room, and was just walking down the hall, when a loud shriek was heard to his left. He turned, to see Zommari staring in horrified entrancement at his hair through a window. In his hand was a window washing mop type thing. Ulquiorra waved cheerily and went on his way.

xxxxxxx

Outside of Las Noches, hanging outside of a window, Zommari turned to Yammy besides him. "Did you see that?" Yammy was staring into the building, a look of acute agony on his large face.

"Yes."

"I think it's the apocalypse."

"Yes."

xxxxxxx

Grimmjow was lying on his bed, listening to music. It was rock of the dull thudding type. He had turned up the bass as far as it would go, and was enjoying the sensation of having his eardrums and stomach ripped apart by the _thud. Thud. Thud._ Of the song.

Suddenly, the alarm on his clock went off with a shrill ringing sound. He jumped up, and turned off the clock, then the stereo. He groaned. The alarm was signaling to him, that he, once again, had to venture into the kitchen to make dinner.

He dragged his feet into the kitchen, and pulled another cookbook out of the cabinet. This one was called _Thai Food for Beginners._ Grimmjow was unsure what 'Thai Food' was, but it was probably as good as anything. He began assembling items for something called Pad Thai.

Ew, Barragan and Aaroniero had done a miserable job of the dishes.

Okay. First it said to make fried scrambled eggs…holy lord, he didn't know how to make scrambled eggs!

So Grimmjow found eggs in the fridge…and he cracked them messily into a pan. Then he whipped them around with a spoon. Then he turned up the stove and put the pan on it. Hopefully that would-wait. Fried…that meant oil. So Grimmjow poured vegetable oil onto the eggs.

He winced as it fizzled and popped…that didn't sound good. The stove hissed. He backed away.

Next. Soak rice noodles in hot water for 15 minutes…oh dear god.

Rice noodles…rice noodles…there were no rice noodles here! Maybe spaghetti would be just as good…

A nagging doubt told Grimmjow that Thai food wasn't the best thing to make…but he ignored it.

The Sexta Espada generally ignored nagging doubts.

* * *

Ooo...another cooking scene on the horizon...and yes, this one looks like more of a disaster. Because my brother reads my stuff and he said the last one was a disappointment, because nothing actually exploded.

SO THIS TIME I'LL HAVE GRIMMY BLOW SOMETHING UP, 'KAY? ARE YOU HAPPY?

And this time I really am going on vacation! So chapter six will take it's time. If our car gets fixed, that is...DAMN CAR


	6. Chapter 6

FINALLY! I'm back from my vacation, guys, so uploads will be fast and furious...I hope. If I'm not too lazy. Anyway, here's Chapter Six!

I DO NOT OWN BLEACH AND I WILL NOT PUT ULQUIORRA IN A DRESS. SORRY ALL YOU FANGIRLS.

Ulquiorra: Thank you.

THOUGH I WANTED TO SEE THAT VERRRY MUCH MYSELF.

Ulquiorra: Oh dear god...

* * *

The spaghetti was done. The egg mess was sort of flat and brownish and on fire in that corner-oops-but at least it looked edible enough.

Garlic…lime juice…Grimmjow mixed the egg and spaghetti together, then added salt and pepper and what have you that the recipe asked for. As the mash hissed and fizzled in the frying pan, he blinked garlic from his stinging eyes and consulted the recipe book again. It had called for prawns…but Grimmjow had now prawns, just some leftover chicken from when Ulquiorra had made burritos. So he threw that in, too. The list also had ketchup on it…just a little bit…but Grimmjow didn't trust ketchup, and so ignored that.

The oil had long ago evaporated…and he was out of olive oil. Grimmjow spotted a bottle of clear slippery looking liquid and picked it up. It seemed to be oil but he wasn't sure…Grimmjow poured a tiny bit onto the pan to see what would happen.

BOOM!

The liquid turned to a sheet of flame and incinerated half the stove top. Grimmjow clicked his tongue in annoyance and pulled the pan off the flaming stove. He shoved it in the oven to keep it warm and sprayed the stove top with water from the sink.

Then he swabbed it down and put the pan back on the stove. All verrrry calmly.

He put the flammable liquid away and decided to go against oils. Ah! The eggs were on fire again! Grimmjow swatted it out with a napkin, which promptly burst into flame as the eggs went out. Grimmjow cero-ed the napkin in annoyance, and then dumped hot chili powder on the Pad Thai.

xxxxxxx

The concoction looked fairly done. Grimmjow scraped it out of the pan into a big bowl. He added salt and chives artistically; this part of cooking was fun. After you had put out all the fires, that is.

He swept the charred remains of a spoon and melted fork into the trash, and concealed the burn marks on Ulquiorra's previously spotless stove by putting paper napkins over them. He could spray paint them over later.

Then Grimmjow tasted the …Pad Thai. He choked. Dammit! Spicy! He decided to water it down with lime juice.

Okay, that worked slightly…he would put out a lot of water on the table. It would all be good.

xxxxxxx

Grimmjow rung the giant dinner bell. [Writing about it makes me want to do this even more] Everyone scurried into the room. (Everyone except Aizen, because he's busy. Plotting. Yup.) And sat. And looked suspiciously at the fried noodles, flat burnt eggs, and chives.

"Okay," said Starrk, finally, staring at his plate, "What is this? 'Cause it looks like some of the things that come out of Szayel's lab."

Szayel shook his head, faintly. "No. That sort of thing looks better."

Grimmjow glowered. "Eat or die."

"That's really a paradox, seeing as we'll probably die if we eat this, anyway," pointed out Gin.

"JUST EAT THE FUCKING FOOD!"

Everyone cowered under the Sexta Espada's fury. Nnoitra took a bite. "_BLAARRRG!"_ He choked.

Ulquiorra sniffed his plate. "Uh, Grimmy?"

"Don't call me that. What?"

"Did you put _hot chili powder _in this?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Uh, how much?"

"Like, a lot. You can drink water."

Nnoitra spluttered. "I'm dying!" he shrieked. "Dying! And no one cares!"

Damn right they don't.

Starrk snored. Haribel groaned. "If all of you are too chicken to eat your food, I will." She smirked. "Or are all of you men too scared of _spicy food?"_ She picked up a huge forkful of Pad Thai and swallowed it. "Mmmm…it's good!" she tilted her head to Grimmjow . "My compliments to the chef."

Everyone gaped as she ate another bite of the nuclear noodles.

Yes, that is correct. Haribel has no taste buds.

However, the rest of the Espada felt that their manly pride was being challenged.

Gin steeled himself. He had seen what had happened to Nnoitra, who was still squirming on the ground in agony. Whatever Grimmjow had done to the food, it was bad. He took a preparatory gulp of water, and shoved a forkful of Pad Thai into his mouth.

Everyone watched interestedly as the normally pale ex-shinigami went beet red. His normally slitted eyes popped out. He gagged. He choked. He screamed. "HOLY MOTHER FUCKER!"

Ulquiorra laughed. "So it's pretty spicy."

"No shit!" hissed Nnoitra from the floor, clutching his throat.

Grimmjow decided it was time to taste his own concoction. He touched a tiny morsel to his tongue. "WHOA! HOLY LORD! THAT'S FRIGGING SPICY!"

"DID YOU JUST REALIZE THAT!" shrieked everyone at the table, except for Haribel, because she's eating, and Ulquiorra, because he's laughing at Grimmjow.

Tousen put his head in his hands and sighed. Why did these dinners without Lord Aizen always turn into screaming fights and language displays? Gin wasn't doing anything to help, either. He was still gulping water and gasping.

Aaroniero felt glad that he didn't eat.

Yammy was miserable. He was starving. He wanted to eat…but he didn't want to die like Nnoitra and Gin were doing. Yammy cranked open his giant jaws, and tipped the plate down his throat. The Pad Thai went down without even touching a taste bud. Satisfied, Yammy sat back and burped. Everyone stared at him in wonder. Szayel spoke first. "Now that, my friends, is talent!"

* * *

Ha! done! Hope you enjoyed it! I still need Ulqui to discover Grimmjow's job on his kitchen...maybe next chapter...

By the way, it was vodka that Grimmy put on the pad thai, thinking it was olive oil or something. Lucky for Starrk that it all burned off, cuz Starrky can't hold down alcohol. At all.


	7. Chapter 7

This is the end, my friends. The last chapter...the wrap up...the final installment...*bursts into salty tears*

I really went on a tear, ne? Two chapters in one day! that's what vacation does to you, I guess...

I STILL DON'T OWN BLEACH AND I STILL HAVEN'T PUT ULQUI-CHAN INTO A DRESS.

Ulquiorra: Thank God.

* * *

At this point, Grimmjow looked up, and choked. He wasn't eating any food (the food was nigh impossible to eat) but he choked. On…air.

For Grimmjow had really noticed Ulquiorra down the table for the first time, and he was just getting the full brunt of the _Hair. _Everyone else had gotten over it, but Grimmjow was left feeling like someone had punched him in the stomach. He waved his arms and pointed wildly. He wheezed for breath, mouthed wordlessly.

Everyone was looking at him curiously.

"Side affects…?" asked Szayel, cautiously.

Grimmjow shook his head rapidly. "Wha…" he managed to gasp, "is with…YOUR MOTHER FUCKING HAIR!"

Ulquiorra smiled happily. "I was getting tired of the black. So dull."

Grimmjow gaped.

"You look like a fish, Sexta," said Ulquiorra, with just a touch of his old sharpness. "Close your mouth before a spider spins a web between your jaws!"

Grimmjow scowled and closed his mouth. "You look like…" he searched for words.

"A highlighter?" suggested Szayel.

"No, more like a watermelon. On steroids." Grimmjow replied.

"A watermelon grown on Three Mile Island!" Haribel added. [BTW, Three Mile Island is this island where there was a nuclear incident, and though they said it was free of radioactivity, there was some weird stuff going on there after…it was a long time ago, so you might not know that.]

"Good." Ulquiorra nodded. "that means it's bright."

"Damn right it's bright," muttered Nnoitra, who was just recovering from the spicy food.

xxxxxxx

Aizen stared grimly at the dusty floor. Starrk and Szayel had been doing a miserable job of cleaning, and Haribel had burned holes in almost all of his clothes with the iron. It was time for…_**A SUPER FANTABULOUS SPECIAL ESPADA MEETING!**_

Aizen rang his magical bell and…

"Aw shit," muttered Grimmjow as the summons for a meeting rang out in his room. He got up, flung aside his magazine, and flicked off his radio. Then he trudged down to the meeting hall.

The meeting bell rang clearly in Szayel's lab, making him jump and accidentally pour too much of one liquid into another. "FUCKER!" He yelled as the concoction exploded. Still growling obscenities under his breath, the pink haired scientist stalked up to the hall.

Haribel and Nnoitra were just finishing a new load of laundry when the bell rang. They made their way up.

The other Espada slowly began assembling. Aizen stood, with Gin and Tousen on either side of him, and clapped his hands. "Silence, now, my children!"

"WE'RE NOT YOUR CHILDREN, AIZEN-SAMA," the Espada chorused, glumly. Aizen ignored them. He instead began to speak. "Now, I'm rather displeased with your work, in taking over Ulquiorra's jobs." He glared at Haribel and pointedly fingered a patch in his robe. Haribel winced. "Nnoitra's fault," she mumbled. Nnoitra looked outraged.

"Well, I've decided that I'm going to mix up the chores a bit."

An interested silence. Suddenly Szayel asked, "Hey, where's Zommari and Yammy?" Everyone looked around. It was true; they weren't there. Astounding how they could have missed them; Zommari and Yammy were hardly small Espadas. Aizen smiled bitterly. "Scrubbing the last of that…_graffiti _off Las Noches." A small glare at Ulquiorra, who reciprocated it wonderfully with a small smile of achievement, like a scholarship student when his name is mentioned by a fawning teacher.

Then Aizen continued. "And I've decided that Ulquiorra will resume some of his work.

A small sigh of anticipation; this meant that a few lucky people would be free of their duties!

Aizen consulted a list. "I've decided to have Ulquiorra resume the washing," he glared at Nnoitra and Haribel again, both of whom shrunk into their chairs guiltily, but still relieved.

"And the cooking."

An audible cheer; Grimmjow glared. "Hey!"

Aizen smiled. "I'm sad that I could not try your masterpiece last night, Grimmjow. I heard…a lot about it."Grimmjow gulped and thanked his lucky stars (he has three) that Aizen had missed that disaster.

The now green haired Ulquiorra sighed, but he accepted this. Ah well. It had been good while it lasted.

Ulquiorra entered his room, looking at the floor. He turned, closed the door, then spun around and was about to fall onto his bed when- "ARGG!" He jumped backwards. Someone was sitting on his bed.

"YOU CREEPER, GRIMMJOW! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"

"I'M NOT A CREEPER YOU EMO WATERMELON! I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING!"

Ulquiorra rolled his green eyes and sat down in his desk chair. "Alright. You're not a creeper. Whaddo you want?"

Grimmjow looked slightly mollified. "Thank you. Maybe I should have waited outside." He settled himself down on the bed. "Well, I was thinking. Aizen's moved some things around, and you have work to do again."

Ulquiorra nodded, sadly.

"So you'll have to do cooking again."

Ulquiorra wondered where this was going. Grimmjow seemed a little flustered. Weird. Maybe he was high…Szayel had been dropping hints that Grimmjow was on drugs…no one had quite wanted to know how he had formulated this theory…Szayel was a rather unsettling person.

"Well, I was wondering if…well, if you had any free time…if you could, um, show me how to cook some…err, stuff. Sometime." Grimmjow was a strange shade of red by this point. The pale Espada looked at him curiously. "You want to learn how to cook?"

"If you have the time. If you don't, never min-"

"No, I have the time," Ulquiorra said, absently. "It's just weird that you want to learn how to cook."

"It's kinda…fun…I guess." Grimmjow also thought guiltily of the multiple injuries the kitchen had sustained over the past few days. He was going to have to fix it up before Ulquiorra could find it and Cero him. The blue haired Espada sneezed. "Damn, it's dusty in here…why is it dusty, Ulquiorra? You always used to keep Las Noches so spotless! Why is it dusty in your room?"

Ulquiorra shrugged a little sadly. "It was the one thing I let myself neglect," he explained. "It was like the one thing I didn't have to do."

Grimmjow felt a little bad for him. In a pathetic, oh-look-I'm-emo-watch-me-wangst way. "Why the hell did you dye your hair?" he gazed at the green. Ulquiorra grinned. "I felt it stood out."

"You don't need to stand out! Aizen's already mad at you for the spray paint thing! I thought he would Cero you for sure when you dyed your hair! You're fucking insane!"

Ulquiorra raised his eyebrows. "But I'm still alive, ne?"

"In a sense, I suppose."

"I felt like I was becoming a picture." Ulquiorra said, quietly. Grimmjow started. "Like there was this person…but I didn't really know who they were…like I was gonna scream any minute…and not be heard. At all."

"o…k…that's a little deep for me…" Grimmjow was lost somewhere waaaaaay back. This was freaking him out.

Ulquiorra jumped. "Ahhh…sorry. Sit in dark corner and cry stuff, you know?"

"So you just admitted to being emo."

"Maybe, a little. A little."

Suddenly the door smashed open, and Starrk, Gin, Szayel, and Haribel crashed in. They stopped, obviously weirded out by the two in Ulquiorra's room.

"Ooo…Grimmy's gonna get la-aid!" sang Gin cheerfully.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT!" Howled the Sexta Espada. Ulquiorra sighed and shook his head as Grimmjow proceeded to attack Gin. "AH! I'M YOUR SUPERIOR! HELP!"

Starrk walked lazily over and flung Grimmjow off the ex-shinigami. Then he looked at Ulquiorra. "Hai."

"Um, what do you all want?" asked the pale Espada.

"OH! RIGHT!" Gin suddenly remembered their mission. "Nnoitra's drowning in the laundry room! Can you help him please!"

Ulquiorra groaned. The first day back at work and already people were proving themselves incapable of doing anything themselves? "That piece of trash!" he muttered, and stalked out of the room.

The other looked after him. Then Gin turned back to Grimmjow. "So…if you guys weren't gonna fuck, what _were_ you doing?"

"It's none of your fucking business," growled Grimmjow. The whole cooking thing was going to stay a secret.

Hey, he had a rep to keep up.

**_~THE END~_**

Aaaaaand that's it! Yeah, kinda a pathetic ending...but i suck at endings anyway. Got a little thoughtful there, too...*brain works overtime* and not so much crack here. Hope you guys enjoyed! GIANT GLOMP HUGS TO ALL MY REVIEWERS! GIANT GLOMP HUGS FOR ALL!

Don't worry; I have another Bleach crackfic being written AS WE SPEAK/AS I TYPE and I'll upload that one soon...THIS HAS BEEN KSFWOLFE! MAYBE NEXT TIME I'LL HAVE ULQUI IN A DRESS!

Ulquiorra: DEAR HOLY LORRRRDDDD


	8. Author Note

COOKING ONESHOTS ARE MOVING TO A SEPARATE STORY! LINK HERE: .net/s/5359762/1/Cooking_Lessons


End file.
